It’s that rare time of the year when the sun is shining and Rangers fans want to talk to you about football.
Newly retired from golf, rugby and the bools, they hang about the work kitchen like damp creeping up a wall, waiting for you to come in for your morning brew.
“See the game yesterday?” they ask.
“Brilliant man,” you say as you take a sip from your 8-in-a-row mug. Their wee faces light up. “That pass from Scott Allan…”
The Ibrox “juggernaut” is rolling right enough, fresh from a close season MOT from a dodgy mechanic. Yesterday, playing in their traditional blue kit against an opposition down to their traditional 10 men, Rangers rattled in six.
The frightening thing for the rest of Scottish football is that if they’d been awarded their usual four penalties they might have got double figures.
Four of the goals came in the last 15 minutes as Hibs tired. To be fair, Rangers showed a ruthlessness not seen since Rugby Park last week when fans scrambled out of the collapsed disabled shelter in a bid to escape the police.
Things haven’t been this good at Ibrox since, well, the start of each of the last three seasons.
Celtic will have to up their game. The treble Treble winners, sitting top of the league after two games with 12 goals scored and a better goal difference, will be quaking in their boots.
Imagine how good we’ll be when the taxi with all the new defenders turns up, with Tom Rogic driving!
By then we might need another winger according to some reports. James Forrest is the £12m target of Zenit St Petersburg, the “Russian cracks” who previously attempted to bundle Tom Rogic into the boot of a motor.
Forrest will be getting offered £70k a week it seems, a bit less than his old pal Tierney who went to Arsenal for double that. We’re not saying these figures are totally made up nonsense, but it screams of “Chinese superclub’s £10m Morelos bid knocked back.”
You can never say never in football, but it wouldn’t be surprising if the closest Jamesie gets to Russia is Moscow in Ayrshire, picking up a dozen organic eggs from his favourite farmer.
Talking about being bundled into the boot of a motor, KT’s new teammates, Mesut Ozil and Sead Kolasinac missed yesterday’s game at Newcastle having been subjected to the genuinely terrifying experience of an attempted mugging for their watches. They are now under 24-hour guard as rival gangsters apparently square up to each other over the situation.
Looking back, it should have been obvious that Tierney was off to the Gunners when his agent said the left-back didn’t favour a timepiece on his wrist.
Who knows, KT may come back one day and sooner than we think. They still haven’t told him he has to do an interview with Piers Morgan.
Still in England, some Newcastle fans are boycotting games because of “Rangers hate figure Mike Ashley”.
It shows you how far Rangers have fallen when they can’t even get their own hate figure.
There was recent talk of Rangers fans “reaching out” to the Geordies in some form of alliance.
Newcastle fans will rightly be wary as the last time Rangers fans “reached out” there were police alsatians on the pitch and the town was ransacked, as immortalised in an episode of the Likely Lads.
Whether that was up there with their destruction of Manchester or the siege of Barcelona is one for the Rangers “historians”.
In yesterday’s Battle of the Badgers, Jim Goodwin came out on top against Derek McInnes at St Mirren beat Aberdeen in Paisley.
It’s a sore one for McInnes in the hirsute league-within-a-league after seeing off Craig Levein’s Hearts last week.
The Jambos have got off to a bad start, following up that Pittodrie defeat with a 0-0 draw with high-flying Ross County at the den of horrors they call Tynecastle.
Levein and Michael Stewart look set to continue their bitter feud, which is looking like it might only be settled by a bare-knuckle. Zenit St Petersburg and a Chinese superclub are locked in a £12m battle for the broadcasting rights.
St Johnstone bounced back from last week’s 7-0 mauling at the hands of Celtic to draw 2-2 with Livingston. The result moves them ahead of Kilmarnock who prop up the table after a 2-0 defeat at Hamilton.
Surely it’s not too much to ask that at least one team with a plastic pitch goes down this year?